


To Hurt and Heal

by niennavalier



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Series, Things end happy i swear, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8235020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niennavalier/pseuds/niennavalier
Summary: Just because he made a choice about his future doesn't mean that the nightmares have stopped. Really, sometimes, they just get worse. Thoughts of what's to come, coupled with Sousuke's still-injured shoulder culminates in another nightmare for Haru, but waking doesn't ultimately provide much relief. Instead, he's faced with angry outbursts, and the notion that Sousuke thinks himself better off without him.
What he doesn't know is that, in the aftermath, Sousuke comes to think the same thing.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nitori_swims_rinstyle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nitori_swims_rinstyle/gifts).



> Wrote this for my friend @nitori-swims-rinstyle, who wanted Souharu angst, and even though I've never written Free! fic before, didn't see any trouble in giving it a try. And she asked me to post and contribute to the rarepair, so I figure, why not?
> 
> So, to give some quick credit, because I wasn't originally planning to post this: a lot of the ideas and some dialogue for this fic comes from one of my Coldflash (my ship from the Flash fandom) fics, [ "Doubts and Things Deserved" ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7962328), so on the off chance this sounds familiar, that might be why. And some of their reactions turned out similar to parts of a different Coldflash fic, [ "Out Cold" ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4017796) by Crimson1. Which was not intentional, but the fic was on my mind, and...that just happened. So a few of the gut-wrenching lines/bits in here, I can't take credit for.

    He was drowning. Not in the water - never in the water - but in the voices. Voices that swirled up and around and everywhere, almost like the water, but nothing like it, too. The water - it had never scared him like the voices did. The voices, everyone's voices, saying all these things to him, about choosing, about making the right choice, that he shouldn't have chosen what he did, that swimming, like he was now...he wasn't supposed to, he'd chosen wrong because...because…

    All of a sudden, there was a cry of pain from his right, one that made his heart jump to his throat, made him stop swimming, even as the voices got louder and louder and louder. Yelling at him to keep going, why is he stopping he’s not supposed to stop and  _ be quiet be quiet be quiet he didn’t care that didn’t matter because Sousuke -! _

    Then the scene was totally different. He wasn’t in the pool anymore, and there weren’t voices in his head anymore, but the  _ sounds _ . God, the sounds. No more cheers or clapping or splashing or voices, just the uncomfortable buzz of white noise of a surgical amphitheater that made his throat catch again, made his heart thrum harder and harder and  _ he couldn’t breathe _ . He couldn’t breathe and...and down in the operating room he could see Sousuke, couldn’t help but keep his face pressed to the glass as his heart rate slowed because it was okay. There wasn’t anything wrong and the surgery would help and things would be fine and -

    The beeping terrified him. Just noises as the machines all went into a tizzy, doctors shuffling around more and more frantically, grabbing things and shouting orders and all Haru could do was watch. He wanted to look away, didn’t want to know what was happening, didn’t want to believe anything could go wrong, but he couldn’t tear his face away. Wanted to say something - say  _ anything _ \- but his voice wasn’t working right, wouldn’t make words, only choked sounds as the doctors huddled closer, blocking Sousuke from his sight and  _ no no no no no this wasn’t right this can’t be happening  _ **_it can’t_ ** **-!**

    Haru shot up, waking with a gasp. Darkness still tinted the edges of his vision, and he squeezed his eyes shut against it, trying to slow his racing breaths. Flashes of sterile lights appeared behind his eyelids, ghostly wisps of demanding voices in his head, and he couldn’t stand the dark anymore, opening his eyes again with a gasp, clenching his fists and curling into a tighter ball, willing the nightmare to just go away.

    Except...it wasn’t just a nightmare, not really; it wasn’t all some made up thing in his head. In between ragged breaths, he glanced over to the other boy in his bed, the bandages covering his shoulder. Another gasping breath, and his throat felt tight and - and he couldn’t breathe…

    “Haru?”

    He turned suddenly, seeing Sousuke laying there, awake and in an awkward position, though the shimmer to his eyes betrayed his concern. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry.”

    “Don’t be.” He moved to sit up, all long lines of lean muscle, though Haru mirrored the wince he saw that couldn’t be entirely hidden, even if he knew Sousuke worked hard to keep his pain out of sight. “What happened?”

    “Nothing. It was...it was nothing.” Maybe if he said it enough, it would be.

    “You wouldn’t be acting like this if it was nothing.” Sousuke sat up more fully, so comfortably warm at Haru’s side. Made him never want to leave, like the fears could be chased away just like that. “You don’t have to tell me, but I just want you to be -”

    “Your shoulder,” Haru blurted, and immediately regretted it, seeing how quickly Sousuke suddenly closed off, sea green eyes going cold as ice.

    “I’m fine,” his voice was tight, stubborn, “Don’t worry about it.” But seeing the real thing again, not just in a dream, swollen and red, was more than enough of a reminder just how much of a lie that was.

    “But you’re not...you’re hurt and I don’t want to keep seeing you hurting yourself more because -”

    “I said. I’m fine.”

    “But -”

    “Just stop it, Haru! What don’t you get about this? I don’t need you to keep bringing this up! I don’t want you to!”

    “But...I just want you to be okay…” Haru shrunk back, could hear just how small his voice suddenly was.

    “Well you can stop! You keep worrying about me, keep trying to stop me from doing what I want!”

    Is that what this was? Sousuke didn’t...didn’t  _ want _ Haru to care about him? Was he...was he not good enough? Was he not enough for Sousuke? 

And then it dawned on him. Because he wasn’t and...and that was why Sousuke kept hurting himself. Because Haru wasn’t enough to make him want to stop, to make him want to be safe. But...but...no! No no no that couldn’t be it! They were together and...and Haru loved him and  _ shouldn’t that mean something? _

    Or...was it more important that, to Sousuke, it apparently didn’t?

    Haru looked up, throat slowly constricting, cutting off his breath, hope dying in his chest as he was met with such a hard stare.

    “I don’t need you.”

    He felt the heat rise behind his eyes, struggled to keep the tears at bay, his hands clenched to keep from shaking, a choking sob catching, strangled, in his throat. All of a sudden, it felt like the entire world had just fallen from beneath his feet, everything just crumbling around him as he bolted from the bed, made for the door because he couldn’t stay there anymore; he  _ couldn’t. _ Not with those four words ringing loud in his ears, making it harder and harder to keep the tears from falling.

    But as the cool night air rushed into his lungs, he couldn’t keep the grief back any longer, sinking to the ground and curling in on himself, hiding his face between his knees, his cries loud in the silent street.

* * *

    The haze of pain and anger dissipated at the sight of Haru running through the door because... _wait...wait no! No that’s not what he’d meant! Why why why had he said that?_ He’d seen the fear in Haru’s eyes, blowing them wide, making them glisten with unshed tears, as he’d stepped backwards, stepped away. And almost immediately, Sousuke wanted nothing more than to pull him back, to tell him he was sorry, he was so sorry, he hadn’t meant any of it, he loved him _he loved him so much_. But it was too late. Too late and Haru was already gone and there was no way he’d ever want to see him again after what he’s said. No matter how much Sousuke wished otherwise, no matter how much he wanted Haru to come back, how much he wanted to make everything right again, kiss him, hold him, breathe in the scent of him.

    But...but what if this was for the best? What if Haru was better off without him anyway? Wouldn’t he be? Better off with someone who could be more tender and loving and never said a word to hurt his feelings? Someone who hadn’t contested him at every twist and turn in the past? Someone who would only make him feel as talented and special and good as he truly was?

    Someone who wasn’t so like Sousuke?

    Maybe it was better this way, better that Haru got out when he still could. 

    Even if it made the rest of his fitful his sleep haunted by doubts of what he did and didn’t deserve. Even if it tore a gaping hole in his heart, made him long for the things he couldn’t -  _ shouldn’t _ \- have.

* * *

    Whoever liked to say that the light of day made everything better was a liar. The hazy first light of dawn found him in the guest room of Makoto’s house, not having been able to bear returning home last night after wandering the streets, yet leaving him feeling cold and alone at waking up without Sousuke’s comfortable warmth at his back.

    One night. One night away after a fight, and he missed him anyway, felt like half of him was gone, even if he’d gone to Makoto to hide for the night.

    It was what had him returning home early that morning, equal parts of him terrified and wanting nothing more than to fix what had broken between them. He didn’t know the exact hour when he’d decided to start back, but crossing the threshold of the front door, of the bedroom door, it soon became obvious that it was still early enough that Sousuke hadn’t yet woken. Haru wasn’t sure if he was glad of that fact or not.

    But as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, the figure on the bed began to stir, apparently aware of the slight sounds of his return, turning, angled toward the doorway.

    And he froze.

    “Haru?”

    He felt his heart jump to his throat, feet stuck firmly on the ground, and he wanted to look away, to hide, but some invisible force kept him from doing so. Kept him even more rooted to the spot as he heard Sousuke continue. “You came back.” But the tightness in his voice, the fear he could see in those wide aqua eyes, too wet in the dim light filtered through the windows, unstuck something inside of him, and all he wanted to do was comfort Sou, do anything he could to take away that expression.

    “I had to.” He padded toward the bed, sat down lightly at its edge, Sousuke sitting up next to him, their bodies close. “It didn’t feel right without you.” Maybe...maybe things  _ could _ be fixed, there was something here to be saved. Maybe...

    A pause. “...Why?”

    Haru felt the floor drop out from under him again. He... he'd thought that, seeing that look in Sousuke's eyes, that sad, lost look, he'd surely wanted him, that they could sort out whatever had happened last night and make things right between them. But no. Of course he’d been wrong; of course Sou didn't want him, not after the things he'd said, not after he'd told Haru how he really felt. Why  _ why _ had he let himself think that's not how things were, that this would ever work, that -

    Suddenly there was a hand, gripping his wrist, keeping him from pulling away, even if he hadn't realized he'd been doing so. His eyes shot back up, meeting Sousuke’s which were wide and filled with layers of grief and regrets. “No, Haru,” he pleaded, voice breaking over the words, “don't go. Please.”

    “But... I thought you said…”

    “I know and...and I shouldn't have said those things. I was just hurt and scared and...and I know that doesn't make it okay but I didn't know what else to do and -” His voice broke off there, choked with the beginning of a sob, and he dropped his chin, staring down, eyes clenched shut and overflowing with tears. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

    Before Haru even realized what he was doing, he'd surged forward, taking Sousuke's face in his hands, wiping his tears from his cheeks with the pads of his thumbs as he tried to figure out something -  _ anything - _ to say back. Even if he wasn't sure if this was right, if this is what he should be doing after the awful things that had been said, but...Sousuke was hurting. He didn't want to see that, but all he could do was try to give himself time to think through the words.

    Except Sousuke beat him to it. “You're too good for me.”

    “What? Sou…”

    But Sousuke was already turning, pulling away from Haru’s hands, curled up and fully facing the opposite direction. “I don't deserve you.” 

    “No...Sou…”

    “I  _ don’t _ .” Haru could see Sousuke begin to shake his head, chin dropping to his chest, and what could he do but lean forward, wrap Sousuke in his arms from behind? “You’re too good for me. You deserve better than - than me.” Haru could feel Sousuke’s breath shake on its way out as he worked to keep his own response in check.

    “That’s not...that’s not true. You don’t deserve anything less than anyone else.” He craned his head up a little higher, kissed the overheated skin at Sousuke’s neck. “You deserve to be happy.”

    “But you shouldn’t love someone like me who...who  _ hurt _ you like that.” His breath hitched on the words, and Haru squeezed him a little tighter, more firmly, making sure he understood that he was there, would always be there.

    “But I  _ do _ love you, Sou. I always will, and nothing will change that. I promise.” He could hear the choked sob this time, Sousuke’s shoulders curling in ever so slightly. And then suddenly, he felt his hand lifted from where it had been resting softly on Sousuke’s chest. Lifted until there was the gentle press of lips to the back of his fingers. A long kiss - so sweet, with just the barest hint of sadness at the same time - and a deep one, filled with more meaning than could be put into any words, lasting long past the point when Haru began to feel the teardrops falling to the back of that hand.

    Soon after, Sousuke finally turned back around, still in the loop of his arms, and Haru felt his heart twist in his chest so very differently than it had last night, his chest feeling tighter with sympathy at the way Sousuke’s eyes brimmed with unshed tears than it ever had in anger at his sharp words. Haru brought his hands up, skimming them across Sousuke’s shoulders, up his neck, settling under his jaw to cup his face softly, his own eyes beginning to grow damp as Sou took another stuttering breath, readying to speak. “I’m sorry. For everything I said last night. I’m sorry.”

    “It’s okay.”

    “No, it’s not. It’s not okay. I - I shouldn’t have said all those things to you. I didn’t mean it. Any of it.”

    Haru almost wanted to pull away, but couldn’t find it in himself to fracture the moment, afraid it would fall away entirely if he made a wrong move. “Don’t lie to me, Sou,” he whispered.

    “I’m not, Haru, please... _ please _ believe me. I was wrong and...and I know I need you.” A shaky, wobbly smiled pulled at just the corner of his lips, the gesture causing more tears to spill over. “I want you. More than anything.”

    “...You do?” His voice turned small, the words a mere breath across the small space between them. 

    A nod. Sousuke raised his own hand, trembling, to touch Haru’s cheek, and Haru couldn’t deny the way his heart skipped, his breath caught, at the warm roughness of Sousuke’s palm. “I do. I...I should’ve said this last night instead, but...you’re beautiful, Haru.” He couldn’t hold back the gasp then, or the tear that slipped down his cheek. “You are, and I love you.” In that moment, Haru felt his chin lifted as Sousuke’s lips pressed to his. Chaste and gentle, soothing away the hurt and repairing what had been broken the night before, as Haru could feel a fresh set of tears run anew down Sousuke’s cheeks, sure the other boy could feel the same on his. 

    Eventually, they pulled apart, leaving their foreheads leaned together, breath mingling, neither of their eyes yet dried, but damp out of happiness rather than pain.

    Because things weren’t perfect yet, but they could be. They would be.

    And with the pale light of morning still filtering through the windows, they laid back down, pressed tight against the other, limbs tangling together as they breathed in the feelings that surrounded them. Warmth, familiarity, home, love.

    It was all they could ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! And if you're curious about my other stuff, or wanna come yell with me about my other fandoms, totally come visit me on my Tumblr [ @niennavalier ](http://niennavalier.tumblr.com)!


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